Ducunt Volentem Fata, Nolentem Trahunt

Often times I wonder about things; well all the time. Humans are selfish beings, always trying to improve there situation in whichever way that is available. It is a theory of some that happiness is a goal that is never truly achieved; there is never enough food, never enough money, etc. I guess in the effort to take that to another level, I evaluate the things in my life every so often. So as an experiment, Im going to write 25 truths about me, just like I did a couple years back. I wonder, are my intentions at all different than they were then, or did I change entirely? I couldnt tell you because im biased, but indeed we shall see...

1. Even though im not the most religious person, I still see the way that God moves in my life. At times, I see myself fall, and i know that its him telling me what I really need to be doing.

2. I love love love bright colored clothing. I think its a more selfish attention grabbing thing. I do like the compliments I recieve when someone makes a comment about how it looks against my dark skin.

3. I write for the same purpose as this note i guess. I feel lost at times, and i guess its documentation of how i went crazzzy. i write less b/c im lazy these days, not because of happiness....:(

4. Black women IRK me. i think the amt of pigmentation in your skin correlates to your lack of common sense. You be civil, you get attitude. you get buck, you get a lifetime movie written about you. you cant tell black women nothing. A good black woman is so, damn, hard, to find.

5.ignorance is more and more a turnoff for me. I seem to be less prone to grin and bear anything; I often get tired more quickly becuase just as in 4, you cant tell ignorant people anything. So i just dont associate with them at all. I get upset when people who I like get more ignorant as time goes on. Its like what happened? difficult situation indeed.

6. I dont like the fact that even though I tell people to be straight up with me, they still feel the need to go around and lie. There isnt to much that upsets me these days. I feel like im one hundred all the time....why cant you be?

7. I love black boy swag, white boy tags.....its how i get down. Its so efficient, and no one can lie, it looks good.

8. My friends are my life. I love being surrounded by people who have a good head on them, and know how to have a good time.

9.There isnt a name for those certain few who I couldnt live without. I do not know what I would do without you.

10. Love gets more confusing more and more everyday. There isnt anything im more sure of, yet there is so much I dont understand. Yet, I still want it.

11. I never had a desire to travel, until now. I dont think I can choose a place to spend my life without seeing everything out there.

12. Music is at times the only thing that keeps me going. You feel alone, but you listen, and you know that someone has experienced this before. Its totally outrageous how vital it is. at times i miss it, and get that fix....its like a drug.

13. I regret nothing in life; because of one, I feel that everything happens for a reason.

14. I am so prideful. the face of it even. its crazy how i cant let go of it sometimes, but it made me who i am.

15. I am A LOT more humble. thats saying something right? tho its only in certain situations...

16. I think i think more often than everyone else. A LOT more often. Its wierd b/c its all very freeing, to be inside your own space. thats why i stay so long, I think.

17. being honest with someone and them thinking you are a liar is a pain i wouldnt wish on an enemy. when you pour out your heart and get blank stares......eh. not a very good feeling.

18. My heart is so torn apart its like i dont have but pieces to give anymore. its sad, because i dont know if im blind to good things sometimes. because i find something and its lacking, so i look for something thats not lacking it but the next is missing this.....so this and that are right there and i miss out.....the irony.

19. I like big butts. I cannot lie.

20. i think more and more everyday that im in the wrong place. but im scared. where else am i supposed to be?

21. Desperation is a fuel that burns longer than any other specific motivation that you could name. I feel that all or nothing is what keeps me motivated, more than the reward, more than the positives of the struggle. Seeing myself do things that i would normally not do, i guess is a clear example.

22. people forget, you deny it, but i am black. from my head down to my feet, i am a brother. i may sway a little, the words may not be bonic enough, but believe me, for more reasons than one my friend V, I am a nigga. tried and true.

23. as time goes on i wonder where i would be. lol some say its regret, but i cant regret the things that i could not change, that i had no control over. being so unlucky changed my life considerably. but even though im well now, was it indeed for the better?

24. I feel as if the world is doomed, because of good intentions. I feel like morality instead of christianity is a reason why i struggle sometimes. good intentions is manmade, and different from person to person. why not believe in some divine standard? its where it all came from anyway.

25. I still love me a white girl.

"ducunt volentem fata, nolentem trahunt"
the fates lead the willing, and drag the unwilling.

am i being dragged?