Vincit omnia amor

To chain this to the former,
I know in all reality that all I want to be is loved in life.
but at times a friend or a parent can't be there for you;
you need a different kind of love.
Sometimes I feel like I will never find that special someone, at times it feels like I cant even make something last longer than a month or two. It is not that I do anything wrong, I get the too nice or the not like it used to be excuse a lot. I've had my heart broken so many times that i get extra cautious when thinking about relationships, so cautious that I really dont give a girl a chance because of what happened in the past. I was always the one that said i would wait for that special someone, but having your heart broken changes your views on love and you do things that you look back on and regret; because it wasn't even about the person, it was about the feeling of acceptance. I at times feel like I have ruined love in general for myself with the way I have run my life; and I hope I can find someone that will take me for me and loves me. Where is she? Where is that girl that is my equal in every aspect of my life, in every sense of the word? There is no quick fix to my problems, and in all reality I will always have problems. But when a friend cant be there to let me cry on their shoulder, and my parents wont always be there for me to console with. Who will be there for me forever? Who is this love with whom I shall conquer all things?

"Love conquers all"

Nvnc avt nvnqvam

Throughout life, people dream. Some people dream bigger than others, some people are content with just getting by. What about the people with the biggest dreams? Dreaming to do something so profound that it can't even be comprehended until the next life? In spite of all this, it is truly hard to find something one can do that is able to shape history books around himself. So, what is one left to do? Some say that I should just live my life. The problem with that is, that i see my life as it falls into place just as people who understand life do. At times my friends think i am crazy when i bring things like this up. But in all reality, it happens to all of us. What am i speaking of?

I am speaking about how no matter what i do i dont think ill ever be happy. about how this is it for me. college is indeed my last hurrah, the last of life's uncertainties and all that i have left to be thrown through a loop with. after that i know my future dear. and it scares me that i do. i know that ill go to school, get my bachelors in experimental psych and get a masters in secondary edu, become a teacher that everyone loves and live in an apartment until i can pay off all my loans and my car i plan to congratulate myself with when i do get a job. pay off all of that, start dating seriously, find the women with value that is beautiful and smart and play hard to get even though i am so into her that its unbearable so that i know that she is the one for me. marry her, have two kids hopefully a boy and a girl and if not both three but definately no more than that. buy us a house that fulfills our needs or hopefully build my dream home if i learn how to save money efficiently. lose a really big part of myself when my mom dies and have you and sandra and my wife console me when this happens, its gonna be rough. believe me. watch my kids grow up and retire when i can get enough social security that i can live of the money i saved and give my kids the life i didnt have. and you know what comes after that. i see it. and its boring. this is really it. i wont do great things, i wont become a professional athlete and be on mtv cribs, i wont have my face on every major tabloid in the country. my life will be boring. just a typical life. and i always wanted to be great. i always wanted things i dont need. but why? why cant i be happy with this life, with the friends i have, with the people i love? when will that time come when i feel i dont need these things? or do i need these things to be happy? has my mind played tricks on me long enough that i feel i need them? am i too fucked up to ever get married and be happy? i dont want to be like 55 or so percent of american citizens who get divorced. i want the best. i feen and i know i deserve it. but for some reaason i dont know or the line between settling and the best are blurry, so blurry that i dont know what i really want anymore. i loved high school because i was on top, but i see now that after i left everything went on without me; to me its sort of like a microchasm of my life. college will be the same way, and after i die, ill only be remembered by the people i am survived by, and in a hundred years i wont be in anyones thoughts. i know ill be dead, but it matters to me now. WHY? i wish that i knew what i really wanted. i wish my heart and my soul and my body and my mind werent at war constantly, one wants one thing and the other wants another, so on and so forth....more when i get back. its dinner time. respond first? idk, i feel like that doesnt even come together as one train of thought.

All of this, and i feel i know the answer. I know that i will be happy; when i find this love i shall cherish it until the end of time. I will enjoy my job, entertaining people and helping them learn at the same time? Sounds too good to be true. I will have my kids, and i will not try to live my dream through them, but instead watch as they dream and help them fulfill such dreams. I know who will be there with me when my mother dies, to console me; and it won't be as hard because of them, and the bond between us will grow stronger because of it. I know that despite knowing the majority of the script that life plays out as, I will be happy. I am Nehemiah Bolton; I live to entertain, I live to make people smile, I live to make a difference. I know that by not worrying about such a thing as shortcomings and selfdoubt that i will indeed be great; fate has decided that for me. So I shall live my life, cause its true; you only have one life to live.
In all reality, its

"Now or Never"

Infinitus est numerus stultorum

Acknowledgement
So there are many people in my life who mean a lot to me; a sad soul does not acknowledge those important to him. but few know me for who i really am, few appreciate me for who I really am. Sure two people will love me no matter what(Mother and God), but besides these few individuals, who appreciates this insight that I give? If you have indeed met me in real life, most of you would not expect such an insightful group of sentences from a simpleton such as myself. not so much a simpleton, but someone who is carefree and lives for today. but without further ado, here are the people who do indeed appreciate me; all inspire me, all believe in my potential to do great things. In no particular order...

You know two people in my life understood who I really was from the beginning, two people in my life who are still there for a reason. Not just there; At times i don't know what i would do without them. They are introduced because there is no way that i can put one before the other (i know, i said in no particular order...after this it won't matter.) because they mean the same to me. There was a time in which i thought something different, but all in all it has always been like this. My life didn't really start until i realized who i was and what i wanted to be about, and these people have helped me grow from that time period into the person i am today, and will be there to help mold me into the figure i will be tomorrow. They are the wings that enable me to fly, and my shoulders to lean on in the hardest of times. they know that I am more than a big lovable black guy with the greatest personality who is so much fun to be around(didn't get that from them, so don't take my word for it), they know that all in all i am an individual with a beautiful mind and a big heart who wants love more than anything and above all things. they know my faults, my weaknesses, my shortcomings; yet still accept me despite all these things. Hopefully we can be friends till the days of sitting in rocking chairs and talking about life; hopefully you will be there for me until we ultimately part ways forever.
HJC SLH

I take pride in helping anyone who needs it, but seldom does anyone appreciate it and learn from what i had to say. Even slimmer is the chance that they "pay it forward" and give back what i have given them. It started off like it did with everyone else; but through time it grew into something more. and over an even greater span, i see this person that i admire so much; someone i feel has more potential than even myself. Everyone claims to be wiser than they are, but only fools claim knowledge that they do not possess. Lest I be a fool, I believe that this person be a greater mind than myself. I wish i could spend more time with her, now and when she was always around. Yes, we would have fun and laugh and such, but I would still have someone to talk to when no one else understands the struggles that we each have. Come back to me one day? And always believe in yourself, because for goodness sakes I do.
MDH

Purity is seldom kept after the age of say....five. And since i don't associate with five year olds(that would be kind of creepy), i don't know many people who are still even an eighth pure. But someone i know, despite being older than I, I feel keeps the child in her heart above all else; and believes in true love and a perfect world even though the world deems it not. I have been through a lot, and my views are tainted and I can never believe in things I cannot trust or prove. I believe that darkness does indeed reign, and fools create this famine of knowledge that is prevalent throughout society. But she believes in the good in the hearts of all people, that it will prevail above all else in the end. I have a hard time believing such things, but if anyone can show me the heart and the purity of the child, she is very well capable. It shows me that there is indeed someone out there in the world to fight for.
BLD

The model woman. A strong woman who knows how to be strong yet understand what it means to hurt and feel pain. My friend who i never gave much credit for because i was always being loud and commandeering to those who gave me attention rather than someone i could truly learn from. I even had a crush on her for a while, she is such a beautiful person. I swear this person inspires me more than any other, yet she doesn't even know it. I don't know if she will ever read this; she probably thinks i am hypocritical for saying one thing and doing another. I truly admire you dear. I constantly stalk you(as creepy as it can't be) loll reading your page and your blog because you always have something extraordinary to say. keep in touch please, as you move on in life. and BTW, i still do.
JC

I don't look up to too many men; athletes often have different morals than myself, my father isn't around, and can't find a president that i believe wholeheartedly in. And not too many people have been through the same things that I have, yet have a positive outlook on the world. I talk to J cause no one is realer. He is about the same things I am; though I wont admit it but a few more times before it happens, I am looking for a strong black woman to marry and have kids that will be greater than what I am. He is about getting an education and rising above the hood that America has put us in. He is about walking on the haters shoulders, he is real. He understands that it is commonplace in America for black men to fail, and he understands that it is up to black men like us to succeed. Breaking molds, building bridges, creating a new society for our children and so on to have equal opportunity to succeed. J mulla knows that I am real, he knows what I am about; and even though he knows I like to have my fun and love to do my thing(WGS), he knows I stay on the real cause that’s all I know. To someone who knows me for me, and someone I hope to stand beside when we graduate in 2011.

"Infinite is the number of fools,"
and the number of friends is few.

Facilius per partes in cognitionem totius adducimur

PREFACE
In our world today, senile old men are seldom heard and the words of our adolescence often fall upon deaf ears. If true wisdom is mistaken as senility and the purity of the child is perceived as naive, whose words shall we hear? Will it be the later or the former? Shall we listen to the middle man? Often times when we are in search of the truth, we forget that everyone of us has a voice; everyone young and old has a piece of this puzzle that is the greater good. This higher form of good knows not the corruption nor the infidelity that goes on in today’s world. It is not formed from the lawmakers of today’s government in which we can no longer trust, for it seems everything can be bought in our society; even a man’s morals and values. So whom shall we trust, as a people who excel toward one common goal? Indeed, we can trust the people. We can trust ourselves. As the old are wise with experience and knowledge, and as the young are pure and speak truly from the heart; we may use these as tools of change. But whom shall use these tools? For the neither the old or the young are strong enough to carry such a message. A man who is willing will be the vessels of this gathered knowledge, he who understand both sides of the spectrum; and with the things he has seen and the voices he has heard will be a weapon fashioned be the greatest of smiths. His words cut sharp into the hearts of the people, His weapon so formidable that it may destroy this pseudo-democracy that reigns over our society. What makes his words different than anyone else’s? Because surely, he is just a man. For this is true, I know nothing compared to that of our elders, and my heart is blackened by time that I may not speak as do the hearts of my kindred. But I hear and I see and I understand. I am part of the people, I am a part of the puzzle. I am the people, I am the wielder of a weapon that will stand against injustice so that as a whole, the people will prevail. With it, I will stand against corruption and tear down the walls that capitalism and authoritarianism have created. Bonded by our fathers and our mothers who worked and fought for the rights of the people, this weapon that I wield is unbreakable. As part of it, I am unbreakable. With it, my words shall cut their way into history. With it, I shall bring about change.

"We are easier led part by part to the understanding of a whole"