Throughout life, people dream. Some people dream bigger than others, some people are content with just getting by. What about the people with the biggest dreams? Dreaming to do something so profound that it can't even be comprehended until the next life? In spite of all this, it is truly hard to find something one can do that is able to shape history books around himself. So, what is one left to do? Some say that I should just live my life. The problem with that is, that i see my life as it falls into place just as people who understand life do. At times my friends think i am crazy when i bring things like this up. But in all reality, it happens to all of us. What am i speaking of?
I am speaking about how no matter what i do i dont think ill ever be happy. about how this is it for me. college is indeed my last hurrah, the last of life's uncertainties and all that i have left to be thrown through a loop with. after that i know my future dear. and it scares me that i do. i know that ill go to school, get my bachelors in experimental psych and get a masters in secondary edu, become a teacher that everyone loves and live in an apartment until i can pay off all my loans and my car i plan to congratulate myself with when i do get a job. pay off all of that, start dating seriously, find the women with value that is beautiful and smart and play hard to get even though i am so into her that its unbearable so that i know that she is the one for me. marry her, have two kids hopefully a boy and a girl and if not both three but definately no more than that. buy us a house that fulfills our needs or hopefully build my dream home if i learn how to save money efficiently. lose a really big part of myself when my mom dies and have you and sandra and my wife console me when this happens, its gonna be rough. believe me. watch my kids grow up and retire when i can get enough social security that i can live of the money i saved and give my kids the life i didnt have. and you know what comes after that. i see it. and its boring. this is really it. i wont do great things, i wont become a professional athlete and be on mtv cribs, i wont have my face on every major tabloid in the country. my life will be boring. just a typical life. and i always wanted to be great. i always wanted things i dont need. but why? why cant i be happy with this life, with the friends i have, with the people i love? when will that time come when i feel i dont need these things? or do i need these things to be happy? has my mind played tricks on me long enough that i feel i need them? am i too fucked up to ever get married and be happy? i dont want to be like 55 or so percent of american citizens who get divorced. i want the best. i feen and i know i deserve it. but for some reaason i dont know or the line between settling and the best are blurry, so blurry that i dont know what i really want anymore. i loved high school because i was on top, but i see now that after i left everything went on without me; to me its sort of like a microchasm of my life. college will be the same way, and after i die, ill only be remembered by the people i am survived by, and in a hundred years i wont be in anyones thoughts. i know ill be dead, but it matters to me now. WHY? i wish that i knew what i really wanted. i wish my heart and my soul and my body and my mind werent at war constantly, one wants one thing and the other wants another, so on and so forth....more when i get back. its dinner time. respond first? idk, i feel like that doesnt even come together as one train of thought.
All of this, and i feel i know the answer. I know that i will be happy; when i find this love i shall cherish it until the end of time. I will enjoy my job, entertaining people and helping them learn at the same time? Sounds too good to be true. I will have my kids, and i will not try to live my dream through them, but instead watch as they dream and help them fulfill such dreams. I know who will be there with me when my mother dies, to console me; and it won't be as hard because of them, and the bond between us will grow stronger because of it. I know that despite knowing the majority of the script that life plays out as, I will be happy. I am Nehemiah Bolton; I live to entertain, I live to make people smile, I live to make a difference. I know that by not worrying about such a thing as shortcomings and selfdoubt that i will indeed be great; fate has decided that for me. So I shall live my life, cause its true; you only have one life to live.
In all reality, its
"Now or Never"
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you do not need to be on MTV to have a good life. All you need is friends, family, and what you want. Look at all of these famous people now, all of them are turning into train wrecks (britney spears, plus some) you dont want to end up like them. No one wants to be like them. You will have people in your face and watching every move you make 24/7. just be happppy :)
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